just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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