The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
