my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
