why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
