She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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