great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
