I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
