The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
