Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
