____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
