I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
