Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you would pick up someone in the library
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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