Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
so much tequila, so little girl.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
