BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
