I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
