I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
