I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
