Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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