I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I want a musical about memes.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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