I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
