My underwear smells like fireworks.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
