I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
