Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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