it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
