im having a threesome with these popsicles
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
