Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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