yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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