It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
