dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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