oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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