Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
