The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
