At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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