he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
