Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
