you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
