I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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