i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
