I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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