i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
