do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
