Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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