two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
