did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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