She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
