i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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