I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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