When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
