Will you blow on my dice?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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