But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
