He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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