dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
splinters make it hard to masturbate
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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