I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
