bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
