We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
