Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
