I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
As shirtless as possible
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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