dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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